Need Opinion

The top photo here is a newly discovered photo of me at the Golden Pavillion in Kyoto, Japan. The second is a vista of Wyoming, from my recent tour. Man, I am the mack daddy of Luther College Historical Methods. I own it like a used car. I got my Henri Pirenne paper back yesterday, the one that I did in 2 days, research, writing, and finishing. I got an A. Yeah, I know, I'm a historical methods master. In other news, yesterday I got up late, and went to the aformentioned class without wearing socks. It was an experience I hope never to relive. The whole time, as I listened to presentations about Max Weber and Alan Bullock, all I could think about was how much more enjoyable my life would be if I had socks on. I will surely cover my feet before I leave for my trombone lesson in about 15 minutes. My weekend is pretty boring. Mock trial on Saturday, a bunch of recitals on Sunday, and other than that, a whole lot of nothing. I'll probably just end up watching movies tonight or something. The Kathleen situation is the usual: nonexistent. I never really see her, so I never really talk to her. Well, I did see her yesterday at lunch, but she was sitting with some other girl, so I didn't want to intrude. That, and I'm a dumbass. I don't know, it's just frustrating to always be going nowhere with either existent or potential friendships. My best friend and I barely talk anymore. I don't know if it's a matter of neither of us having time, or if he doesn't feel a need because of his girlfriend, or what. It's saddenning though. My roommate and I walked around downtown Decorah tonight, and had a very enjoyable conversation about drinking, some of our friends, relationships, etc, etc, etc. It was nice to get out of the dorm for a while. We had our first mock trial tournament today. Mock trial, it's just one of those things that I keep getting sucked into. A subculture that I've become so associated with, it's hard to break away. I do enjoy competing though. I was one point away from getting a best witness award. I got a 9. I saw my friend Lindsey at the tournament, which was nice. Have not seen her for quite a while. I'm going to ask for some feedback from you, the internet readers of this blog. If accepted, should I study in England for a year, or should I stay here at Luther? Advantages to study abroad are finally getting out and living in a foreign culture, opportunity for extensive travel (to France!), and just a whole new set of experiences. Disadvantages are lack of Concert Band, my friends at Luther and at home, a lack of being home, and other musical concerns. If some of you would be so kind as to give your opinions to my situation, I'd be most appreciative.

Blogs

Recently, I've acquired the addresses of a number of people's blogs. People who actually write intelligent things. It's very interesting. For the rest of the world, it's just reading the thoughts of a random person they probably will never meet. But if you actually know the person, you gain an insight into what makes that person who they are. I find it very interesting. Man, I've drunk a lot of coffee this morning. I don't exactly know why. I got really excited that I figured out how to work my coffee maker, I guess. Anyways, here are more photos from the band trip. Hope you're enjoying them. I have an ear training quiz today, which frightens me, as all ear training quizzes do. But, I think I'm starting to get the hang of it, a little. I did some practice dictations this morning, and I actually got a couple right. Last night, I ran into Ben at the music building, and we played music for each other. I played some excerpts from solos, and he played some junk on the piano. Music is meant to be shared. I really feel a need to start performing. I feel as if God has gifted me with some amount of skill on the trombone, and it gives me such joy to play, I think I should be sharing it with others. I really would like to get together with Benjamin to play some trombone duets. Just to get some time making music with other people who are passionate about it. I think it would be a very sad world if music were a solitary activity. It has to be shared, either by performance, or just playing with friends. Benjamin taught me oboe yesterday, for his double reeds midterm exam. It was interesting. I was impressed, I actually got a sound out of the thing. Anyways, time to go to philosophy. Hope everyone is doing well.

Band

We had our last band concert tonight. It went really well, I was pretty pleased with how I played. I didn't have the same emotions as I did with the final concert last year though. I think that has to do with many factors. The fact that I would never again play with Phil or Brad, the fact that we had traveled together through foreign lands for 3 weeks, and had bonded, and the special kinship that develops with beautiful music. I don't know, we made beautiful music this semester too, but it just didn't have the same weight. We did not have a close enough relationship with each other and the music to create something like that. Nor did we have the experience of being forced to rely on our music in a place that was so different. I don't know, so that's that. I finally got a chance to listen to the Concert Band recording from our homecoming concert last June. It sounds so good. I really derive a lot of pride out of knowing that I contributed to such an amazing musical experience. It was fun to hear the trombones, and just remember what it was like both to play with them and play in Japan. So many memories. Anyways, I did not have a chance to talk to Kathleen at all today. That sort of disappointed me. I think the best way to cultivate a friendship is consistent contact. Meaning, my best friends are all the people that I saw every day, be it at school, in Japan, at church, etc, etc, etc. Oh well. I just have to keep everything in perspective. And I suppose I have to do a little soul searching. Why do I want to get to know her? Is it because I am genuinely interested in her, or because I just want an excuse to try to woo her? I need to stop thinking so much about it. Today, I had planned to get up at 8:30 and do homework and stuff. I actually slept through my alarm, and woke up at 10:30. Just in time to go to philosophy. The whole time, I had that song stuck in my head, "You can't always get what you want....." I was able to get my ear training done with some success. I sort of biffed a perfect 5th when I had to sing in class, but it was a hard melody. Man, ear training is really testing my devotion to music. I honestly don't know if I'm willing to take it next semester. It's just so hard for me. My mom came to the concert, which was fun. I swear, one of the most painful things you can do to yourself is tweeze nose hairs. I tweezed a couple today, and started tearing up. It's so painful. Anyways, in less than a week, Star Wars comes out on DVD. That will be good. Tomorrow, Benjamin is going to teach me to play oboe for his double reeds class. We'll see how this goes. I've never held an oboe in my life, much less played one. Man, I can't wait to go home for the weekend in two weeks. Just chill out a bit. I need some chill out time. Swing club tomorrow will help a bit.

Historical Methods

Today, I received the only A in the class on my Historical Methods midterm. Yeah, I sort of felt like standing up and yelling, "SUCK ON THAT SUCKA SUCKAS!" But I didn't. Nonetheless, I was pleased. Now I just have to finish writing about Henri Pirenne. I had a nice conversation last night with Ben about the woman. I think the key is, I can't look at her as a love interest or whatever. That's not how you make friends. You just have to be genuinely interested in someone as a person, as a friend. With that in mind, even if she is all about someone else, you can maybe at least gain a friend. Friends are something that would benefit me here in college. Not that I don't like the ones I have, I just have relatively few. In my eyes, at least. If anyone from Luther reads this, I highly recommend you attend the Concert Band Homecoming concert tomorrow night at 7:30. It's going to be quite good. Plus, band rocks. Even if you aren't from Luther, you should all come. So yeah, that's sort of life right now. Band, Henri Pirenne, new relationships, coffee. I'm posting a couple photos from the band trip, so I hope you enjoy. Just a couple highlights, random instances, and moments of beauty. Well actually, it seems my internet connection will only let me post one at a time. So, this is a photo I took of sunset in a Denver suburb.

Band Trip

Back from the band trip. Definitely made progress with Kathleen. I suppose we could probably be considered definite friends now, which is cool. Discovered she is all about some senior guy, so that was not the best information I could have recieved, but whatever. Whatever will come will come. I became a lot more comfortable around a lot of people, so I enjoyed that. The trombones had fun poking fun at Dr. Smith, and we played really well, for the most part. Photos will come eventually. I'm out.

Coincidence

So, I just spent a half an hour trying to print out a study guide, and I kept getting this error message saying there was something wrong with my printer connection. I couldn't understand what was going on, and was getting quite angry. Eventually, I finally realized that my computer wasn't connected to the printer. I felt really stupid. So, a girl I am acquainted with through band discovered my blog. I find that sort of interesting. So many people have these things, and you just never think that someone you know would just stumble across it without prior knowledge. I'm not angry or anything. It's just really coincidental. Don't worry fellow band blogger, I won't tell either. It figures the first entry a person I actually sort of know reads is all about women she would know also, and Star Wars geekiness. I try at length to try to show myself as a rational Star Wars fan. Oh well, whatever. Anyways, I looked at her blog, at a ton of photos from our trip to Japan. And as usual, brought back a lot of memories. I think we've been through this before, but yeah. Miss that place. I'm going on this band trip tomorrow. Well actually, I guess it's today. And I don't know, I'm excited, but I also wish I could go home. It'll be fun to spend some time with Benjamin again. We had some good times in Japan together. Heck, that's how we became friends. Maybe we'll become stronger ones on this one. Speaking of that, today I walked with Kathleen to Marty's in the morning. Another coincidence, as I was walking to Marty's to drink coffee and study, she also was walking there. I caught up to her on the path. So yeah, I was with her for like, 4 or 5 whole minutes. Pretty insane. We just sort of talked about coffee, how we have a ton of stuff to do, stuff about band, etc, etc, etc. Man, I enjoy that girl. She's so nice. See how that develops on the tour. I really hope something can happen. We've been through this, we all know what I'd like, so we won't go through it again. I heard an insanely awesome piano recital tonight. Just, I can't even do it justice in words, so I won't try. I took a philosophy test to school today. And almost got taken to school on an East Asian exam. We'll see how it all turns out. Anyways, I need to study. Hope everyone's doing well.

Bass Clef

Man, it's amazing how much better the bass clef is over all the other clefs. Just ridiculously awesome. It usually takes me like, an hour to get my ear training down, because it's in treble clef, which I'm not too familiar with. Tonight, the stuff was in bass clef, and I had it down in like 20 minutes. Man, yesterday, I was so sick. I was ungodly tired, had a splitting headache, and had intense nausea. I could barely eat anything all day. I went to bed at 9:30. I woke up, still sort of had a headache, but it went away as the day progressed. So right now, I feel pretty good. I'm watching The Empire Strikes Back, my favorite movie. I should be studying East Asian history, but I'm being lazy. Plus, I just really felt a calling today to watch some epic space opera. And I really should forego swing club to study, but I have to learn the lindy hop better. I've been so busy studying this week, I need a little break. Things are going better on the female front. Today, Kathleen and I ran across each other in the music building, and we actually carried on a conversation for a good 30 seconds or so. I actually inquired into her well being and such. And attempted to flash her one of my stupid, cute-like smiles. So, right. Remember Emily, the girl who plays trombone and is a closet Star Wars geek? I think we could actually be considered full fledged friends now, which is cool. I really like her, she's a pretty sweet girl. What a lame way to describe someone. I was saying something really stupid tonight in trombone choir, like how I wanted to arrange Star Wars for 30 trombones, and she was like, "I can't believe I sat by you all last year in jazz band but never really knew you." Through a series of generous gifts from my great aunt, I've become somewhat wealthy, for a college student. Like, theoretically, I could purchase the Master Replicas Obi-Wan Kenobi Episode III lightsaber. But, I don't think I could explain said purchase very well to anyone, so I'm not. Eventually, my costume will be complete. Someday. And it will be glorious. For this big Star Wars marathon I'm holding with a friend over Christmas break, we want to do a sort of promotional video. It has to do with me in the costume, like, mistaking a church council meeting for a Jedi council meeting, or fighting a bus, or something ridiculous like that. I think it'd be really funny. Anyways, I should probably go attempt to be productive. Hope everyone's having a good day.

Thoughts on Patience

Have you ever had the strange sensation that the easiest place to convey what you're feeling is the void? The void being the written word, or in this electronic age, the internet? I feel like that often. I don't know why. I think I'm embarrassed to actually tell my friends what is really on my mind. Tonight, a friend asked me what my thoughts were. I told them I didn't know. I lied. In fact, I had many things on my mind. But for some reason, I didn't want to say them. I realized tonight, that I live my life in a state of about 85-95% happy. I have a fairly successful academic career, a few great friends, a growing number of normal friends, a great family, a great dog, activities I enjoy, Coca Cola, etc, etc, etc. I've always been a romantic. When I was a kid, me and the neighbor kid used to joke about having wives on our exploits into space, and junk like that. I grew up watching all these stupid romantic comedies, and got all these ideas of how I wanted my high school/college/early adult years to go. My own life has turned out quite different. And I mean, I consider myself a patient person. But sometimes, my patience leaves me, and I'm just left with longing. Right now I long for this girl who plays oboe. A girl I haven't even spoken 100 words to in my entire life. A person whose history I have no clue about, and who has no clue about who I am either. Save I have a really messed up photo on facebook and that I play trombone. And it just seems that this little thing will go the same way as Jenna, Shawna, Karleen, and all these other girls I've had delusions of wooing. It'll go nowhere. And I don't want that to happen, but I always seem to consistently do the same things wrong. Or not do the same things. The relationships between man and woman have to be one of the most confusing enigmas of this life. I've always sort of wanted love. And to a great extent, I've received it. But the sort I've wanted the most has always eluded me. And like I said before, I'm a patient guy. But sometimes, patience fails. Patience definitely failed me tonight, in the 10 seconds or so I was able to dance with Kathleen. She was so absolutely beautiful, and that beauty just made me want her more and more. That is so chauvinistic, holy crap. By saying I wanted her, I'm not talking about a sexual thing. I can't say I didn't think it in a selfish way, because I wanted to talk with her, wanted to spend time with her, purely to try and escape from my own sense of enduring loneliness. But it wasn't all about that. Jacob gave me a movie to watch, about two individuals who spend a night together in Vienna, and then end up leaving, sort of dangling the possibility of a very different life. It's very presumptuous and unfounded of me to say this, but I sort of feel that way with this girl. Those couple hours I sat across from her on the bus, I just felt so connected to her, even without speech. I mean, do you ever get the feeling that you are the one for someone? I realize this is such a stupid statement to make in my situation, a man with no previous relationships, who bases his ideas on romance from fictional stories between Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I don't really know where I'm going with this at all. Just trying to sort some emotions out, I guess. To sum it up, I always feel some small measure of loneliness stemming from my inability to either attract women, woo a woman, or just in general have someone to love in a romantic manner. And I wish i could somehow make it work with Kathleen, but it always seems that I'll go down the same unsuccessful road. And that really frightens me, because I don't want to spend life alone. Part of all this surely has something to do with a lot of my friends being in relationships, and sort of pressuring me to gain one. Like you can just go to Target and pick out a girl. Whatever. It's not something that comes in a box. That'd be nice, but not the case. No box could contain a woman as wonderful as Kathleen, or the ideal woman of any man. Time is necessary. For people like me, it's a lot of time. Yeah yeah, I'm sort of wallowing in self pity right now, but what do you do? In about 8 hours or so, I'll get up, get dressed, brush my teeth, and put on the same sort of patient optimism I've been carrying since I pretended to be Luke Skywalker as a child. Maybe, just maybe, it will turn out for the better. One of these days.

Late Night Thoughts

It is late at night/early in the morning as I write this. I ended up spending the evening as follows. I ate dinner with Kate and Jacob, hung around with Kate doing random things for about 2 hours, went to the jazz concert, played, danced, then talked to people. Following that, I changed, and headed over to Farwell to see Benjamin for a while, under the impression Kate and Jacob would call me. Anyways, our cell phones did not work as planned, and we sort of had a communications snafu. So, I ended up sitting with Benjamin, Michael, Jeannette, and a bunch of other people. Benjamin and Michael were stoned, so they were acting really weird. I don't know, the night just gave me a lot of stuff to think about. Like, I don't condone drug use, but I'm so happy to have finally found some friends who actually enjoy my presence, I guess I'm sort of willing to ignore it. I feel like I'm painting a picture of me just hanging out with a bunch of loser lowlifes. These people really are not. I guess the best way to put it would be, they are very liberal. Just, they're good people, but they do some dumb stuff occasionally. And like I said, my social problems here at Luther have created an effect that I just crave human contact outside of just always having to call Ben or Jacob. I need to get some friends. It's just sort of a struggle. How do my morals and my faith interact and coexist with all these new and foreign ones? I guess it's a challenge for everyone. One thing I need to work on as a person is gossip. And I think this stems from some sort of need to be accepted as well, that I'm willing to engage in gossip just to sort of fit in. And I said some hurtful things tonight, that I should not have said. I'm so big on not being judged, but I am very quick to judge others. I need this to stop. They commented on my dancing skills, which sort of embarrassed me. They actually thought I was good. So, I guess that's a step in the right direction. A subject came up that made me feel very strange though. They were talking about this guy, and how he always hit on really hot girls or something like that. And someone made a comment like, "He's just pissed that he couldn't pick up that oboe chick" or something to that effect. Anyways, it ended up with another comment having to do with this guy "wanting her tits" or something like that. It made me very uncomfortable, because I knew who they were talking about, for one. Secondly, it's a girl I'm sort of lovestruck with, and I don't want to hear her talked about in that way. I didn't want to say anything so as not to incriminate myself, but still, it was a very personally awkward moment for me. Ah, Kathleen. I do a very good job of imagining wooing her. Not so much of a good job in reality. I just have no idea how to talk to her or anything. I really want to get to know her, but this cursed block that is myself keeps getting in the way. Everytime I see her, I become filled with joy, just being able to be around her. I hope that doesn't sound too creeped out. I so so hope she's at the Flamingo dance tomorrow night. Man I hope she'll dance with me. Yeah, I know I'm a pathetic hopeless romantic. But, what are you going to do?

8.5 Hours

Today, I spent 8.5 hours in the music building. A half hour with my ear training professor, going over stuff. I was there from 11 in the AM to 2:30 in the PM, doing piano, concert band, music theory, and practicing . In the afternoon, an hour for trombone choir, an hour for jazz band, plus a half hour of random practicing. Then I went to a 2 hour flute recital. Such is the life of a music sort of major here at Luther. I say sort of major because if I go to England, any chances of a double major in music will be lost, and I'll have a minor. However, everytime I see an artist of such skill, such as the flautist tonight, I am inclined to just drop history, and continue taking music until I have a doctorate of the musical arts. It is tempting to me. I just feel so passionate when I hear such musicianship demonstrated. It's so beautiful. Now, I have never been a prolific performer. I mean, I've played in many a band and jazz group, but I don't usually solo. that's something I want to work on. Turning my music into something I can share with others, from the very personal connection of my singular horn, possibly a piano, right into others' ears. I want to play a recital here at Luther. Maybe even play a piece at a general recital this year. Something I really want to get into is improvisation. I think jazz improvisation is the most pure, and soulful, and intense, and beautiful form of musical expression. Now, I love classical. But there's something about sitting in a club or whatever, and listening to 3 guys just jam for the pure joy of the music. That's what improvisation is. The pure joy of music in an audible format. When I am finished with college, I hope to be skilled enough to play some gigs around the cities. I just want to play music well. I want to play my trombone well. I am so blessed to be at a school where I am so pushed to succeed, and am forced to practice in order to compete. It is hard, but it's worth it. I got an e-mail tonight from Chie, my host mother in Kumamoto (she's the woman in the photo). It was very nice to hear from her. I hate to keep harping on this, but I miss Japan. And I hate to keep reminding you, but if ever given the chance, please go to Japan. It is such an inexplicably beautiful place, full of such inexplicably beautiful people. Tying this in with my previous muse, it was such a great opportunity to be able to not just go to Japan, but to go share and make music with Japanese musicians. Those kids were so talented. Gah, what a great experience. I so hope the path of life takes me back there. I know I write about this a lot, but I find I just have a need for some sort of outlet for it. I just have so much to say. Anyways, Kathleen situation = the usual. It's really a shame I don't live in medieval Europe, where I could just engage in courtly love. Loving chastely from afar, but never actually acting on it. I would be really good at that. I hope an oppotunity presents itself. But whenever I see her in band, all I can think is, "She's so beautiful." It's like one of those ticker messages that keeps repeating across the Goodyear blimp or whatever. Constantly, she's so beautiful, she's so beautiful, she's so beautiful, etc, etc, etc. And yes, she is beautiful on the inside as well. But you can't very well examine the inside from afar. Well, as far as the trombone section. Let's just say she's absolutely beautiful in every way, and that's the truth. I haven't been able to post as often. It's just been so busy. I purchased a book entitled The Da Vinci Code. I like it. I mean, it isn't written that well, but it's a thriller novel. What do you expect? It is very interesting. I know the book is fiction, but I think the essence of some of the things in the book are true. More research is necessary. Anyways, I need to read The Republic, then do some relaxing. Hope all is well with everyone.