Awkward Conversations

I've been writing a lot on this blog lately. I'm trying to get off of it, as my British one is so much more insightful, less sappy, and in general, more interesting. But since only like, 1 person reads this anyways, I'll indulge them since they're never on Skype. Anyways, last Friday, the girl referred to in the last post and I went to Starbucks, our usual weekly ritual. Over mocha on my part and chai tea latte on hers, we went through the usual chit-chat and flat gossip. Eventually, I felt I had to break out the "issue." After about 5 minutes of awkwardly posturing and such, I finally hacked some of it out. We don't need to exactly go through what I exactly said. I told her I liked her, and didn't know what to do about it, seeing the interesting situation we find ourselves in this year. It came back out (I'm fairly certain), that she likes me as well, she's just nervous about dating because her last relationship not only ended poorly, but her ex-boyfriend turned out gay. Although I have little fear about being turned gay, I do (well, I don't, since I've never dated before) understand her apprehensions a little. We both agreed we didn't exactly know what to do, and we'd think about it for a week or however long. So, that's what happened. I'd be lying if I said I wanted her to decide she didn't want to date. I feel I want to date her. but you know, what can you do exactly? I don't know. Just have to be my normal self, I suppose. I don't want to get her anything or do anything extreme for Valentine's Day, but I did buy a blank card with a modern art painting I know she likes on the outside. I'll just write some little note inside, I think. That's what happened. End of story, I need to go do stuff. Later.

Caveats

I'm currently experiencing a feeling I don't think I've had since 11th grade. It's somewhat hard to explain, but it has to do with the pitter pattering of the heart caused by a certain female. It's just sort of a... general uneasiness at the fact that you're not with her constantly. But not just wanting to be with her, but her wanting to be with you. Right as I type this I can feel it, right at the heart, as tacky as that sounds. I mean, I just want to go downstairs to where she's sitting on her laptop and scream "I LIKE YOU A LOT! PLEASE AGREE TO DATE ME!" Maybe not those exact words, but you get it. The problem is (the caveats, as it were) are the obvious fact that I'm in a Real World type situation over here. Social structures complicate such simple wooing. Additionally, I fear I may be treading dangerously close to the dreaded status of "Friend." Not just friend, but "Friend." During a slightly inebriated jaunt along the Thames in early January, I'm fairly certain I made it clear to her that I had aspirations on her, if you can so call it that. So, I think she's aware of that, and I do my very best to distance myself from the "Friend" label without being a creepy guy who just wants to grab some ass. Gah, it's just been so long since I've felt this way, the agony has forced me to write about it. I like spending time with her SO MUCH. But she's one of those individuals who doesn't seem to differentiate between who she likes hanging out with the most. This is so frustrating, painful, yet strangely desirable, that I need to go to bed. Wish me luck.