Late Night Thoughts

It is late at night/early in the morning as I write this. I ended up spending the evening as follows. I ate dinner with Kate and Jacob, hung around with Kate doing random things for about 2 hours, went to the jazz concert, played, danced, then talked to people. Following that, I changed, and headed over to Farwell to see Benjamin for a while, under the impression Kate and Jacob would call me. Anyways, our cell phones did not work as planned, and we sort of had a communications snafu. So, I ended up sitting with Benjamin, Michael, Jeannette, and a bunch of other people. Benjamin and Michael were stoned, so they were acting really weird. I don't know, the night just gave me a lot of stuff to think about. Like, I don't condone drug use, but I'm so happy to have finally found some friends who actually enjoy my presence, I guess I'm sort of willing to ignore it. I feel like I'm painting a picture of me just hanging out with a bunch of loser lowlifes. These people really are not. I guess the best way to put it would be, they are very liberal. Just, they're good people, but they do some dumb stuff occasionally. And like I said, my social problems here at Luther have created an effect that I just crave human contact outside of just always having to call Ben or Jacob. I need to get some friends. It's just sort of a struggle. How do my morals and my faith interact and coexist with all these new and foreign ones? I guess it's a challenge for everyone. One thing I need to work on as a person is gossip. And I think this stems from some sort of need to be accepted as well, that I'm willing to engage in gossip just to sort of fit in. And I said some hurtful things tonight, that I should not have said. I'm so big on not being judged, but I am very quick to judge others. I need this to stop. They commented on my dancing skills, which sort of embarrassed me. They actually thought I was good. So, I guess that's a step in the right direction. A subject came up that made me feel very strange though. They were talking about this guy, and how he always hit on really hot girls or something like that. And someone made a comment like, "He's just pissed that he couldn't pick up that oboe chick" or something to that effect. Anyways, it ended up with another comment having to do with this guy "wanting her tits" or something like that. It made me very uncomfortable, because I knew who they were talking about, for one. Secondly, it's a girl I'm sort of lovestruck with, and I don't want to hear her talked about in that way. I didn't want to say anything so as not to incriminate myself, but still, it was a very personally awkward moment for me. Ah, Kathleen. I do a very good job of imagining wooing her. Not so much of a good job in reality. I just have no idea how to talk to her or anything. I really want to get to know her, but this cursed block that is myself keeps getting in the way. Everytime I see her, I become filled with joy, just being able to be around her. I hope that doesn't sound too creeped out. I so so hope she's at the Flamingo dance tomorrow night. Man I hope she'll dance with me. Yeah, I know I'm a pathetic hopeless romantic. But, what are you going to do?