'Nuff Said

Cool Fact

Here's a cool fact I learned in chemistry today. If you were to weave spider silk into a rope with a thickness of a pencil, it is strong enough to stop a 747 from taking off. And if you strung that same rope between two anchors, a metropolitan bus could use it as a tightrope. Amazing.

Updating

As I sit in my room, drinking Perrier Lemon, I have decided it is a good time to update this. It's been a while. So, what has been on my mind. Women, as usual. And band. Let's start with band. It's annoying me. Why is it annoying me? Because certain members of our section do not grasp the concept that being in the top band at Luther College is an honor, and requires that a certain level of responsibility to be taken. Translation: people need to be on time and learn their damn music. It's just so frustrating, especially considering all the work that I had to put in last year. Crap, I practically learned a whole new instrument (bass trombone). I mean, granted, we had a little more tangible incentive, being that whole going to Japan thing. I mean, a tour adds a certain urgency, and a big international tour doubly so. But as much as the tour loomed ahead of me, I mainly felt a need to learn bass and get the music down because I felt I had a responsibility, both to the section and to the band. I mean, especially in my position, jumping from Varsity to Concert, and playing in the midst of some incredible musicians. I was the guy with no experience in anything like that. I had to fight for everything, to learn the bass, to learn the music, to play at such a high level. And you didn't even think of not showing up to a rehearsal, or being late. Because people had honor and pride in themselves. And I guess, it's just insulting that some people are not taking it as seriously as I did. As I still do. I mean, granted, I don't play everything perfectly, but I am in the practice room working on it, and I am at every rehearsal and every sectional, on time. And it's a slap in the face, to me, to Benjamin (section leader), to our director, the band, and our heritage that some individuals don't even have notes and rhythms down, or don't feel the need to be on time. It's bullshit. Playing in the top wind ensemble at Luther College means you learn your stuff, you work hard, you take pride in what you do, and then you go out and do it. And that's not happening. I would be ashamed if Brad or Phil heard us right now. So, that's that. I talked to my French friend Camille last week. I believe I've mentioned her before in this blog. She's an individual who I spent 4 days with two years ago, and could barely communicate with her. Yet, for some reason, she stays in my mind and heart often. I attribute this to the fact that blocked by language, we had to communicate through a way that could not hide our true selves. Like, neither she nor I could hide behind words. I feel that by interacting in this way, I caught a glimpse of her "essence," or something. Like, instead of seeing her as she would like to project herself, I saw the real her. I'm sure I was the only one who felt this way, meaning, I don't know if she experienced the same. I doubt it. But we continue to communicate, so that is good. Every month or so we have a conversation via the internet. I mentioned to her the fact that I will be in Europe next year, and would like to come visit, and she said that I should. With all my hopeless romantic delusions, my love for French culture and quirkiness, I can't help but wonder if anything is meant for us. It is so ridiculous. A girl 3 or 4 years younger than I that I spent 4 days with 2 years ago, who speaks a language different than I. It is ridiculous, but it's a good thought. I can't wait to see her next year. Like I said before, she's a person who continues to influence me, in ways I really can't explain. I know I'm a better person because of my interaction with her. In more embarrassing news, tonight I was dancing with the blonde oboe girl, the one with the beautiful teeth. And of course, as usual, my emotions swelled, and I left thinking, "Wow, I danced with a beautiful girl who actually seems to think I'm cool." I went to go practice some piano, and looked at myself in the practice room mirror. Only to notice a disgusting piece of food in my teeth. It was just like, "Oh crap." That's how you make an impression. So, yeah. Life has been going pretty well. Birthday is in 6 days, hopefully that will go well. Hope everyone is well.

What?!

One of my best friends recently got engaged, being on Valentine's Day. I am friends with the individual who proposed to her, but my true friendship lies with the female. Man, it's so intense. I mean, we're 19 or 20, just two years out of high school. Life is moving so fast. Well, it's moving fast and it's not, I suppose. It's moving faster for some. It's just so crazy. I am so happy for her. She is engaged to a good man, a righteous guy who treats her the way she deserves to be treated. And I am so happy. Of course, with anything romantic comes the usual feelings of inadequacy, failure, and awkwardness that appear so randomly in my life. But my joy exceeds such feelings. I hope I get to go to their wedding. I offered to play my trombone for her at said wedding. I hope I am able to. I know this is a bit forward, but I am excited for my friend, and would like to honor her in some way. Plus, I love weddings. If asked, I will play beautifully for them. I had a fairly successful day. We actually had orchestra, and I'm getting the hang of it more and more. Other musical exploits are going well. I went dancing tonight in the CFA, with the blond oboe girl and some others. And it was fun. I noticed my fingernails were quite long, so that was embarrassing, especially since I was dancing. I'm starting to feel limited in my dancing. Meaning, I feel as if I should be learning more stuff, especially in lindy. Emily stopped by right at the very end with her boyfriend, but they had to go right away, so I didn't have a chance to dance with her, which was somewhat disappointing. She was quite sad that I would be around next year. Since she is student teaching in Stillwater or something, she would have been in close access to the Twin Cities swing dancing facilities, and she wanted me and Eric (her boyfriend) to come up and dance. So yeah, that is sad. It's too bad that all the friends I make always seem to graduate. It was Brad and Phil last year, this year it's Emily and Laura. And I won't be around next year, so that pretty much does in the juniors as well, such as Eric, Becky, and Kate. Lame. But, it's a sacrifice. I really want to wear this white jacket I got for jazz orchestra. It's so classy. My friends and I are going to have this classy type martini party sometime soon. We're all going to dress up in tuxedos (men) and formal gowns (women), drink classy drinks, and just generally try to be classy. It should be fun. I'm looking forward to it at least. So yeah, that's what's going on. It's snowing here in Decorah, and I welcome it. Winter is meant to have snow. Anyways, I should go. Congrats to C1, and much love.

February 14th

It's February 14th. That means a couple of things. First of all, it's two weeks until my birthday. Secondly, it's Valentine's Day. Thirdly, it's Tuesday. Fourthly, once again, I have no one to spend the holiday with, i.e. a member of the opposite gender. It really didn't bother me until dinner, where once again, I was eating alone. I had the opportunity to go seat myself with a friend, but the thing is, that would also entail sitting with a bunch of other people that I don't necessarily enjoy as much. Don't you hate it when in order to hang out with someone cool, you have to deal with a bunch of not as cool people? Well, that's what happened. And sitting alone, I just got to thinking, "What the hell do I do?" I walk around in a leather jacket carrying a notebook, spend the night practicing, doing homework, and jacking around on the computer. I'm in a bunch of music stuff, but I'm not really accepted by the music community at Luther as a whole, only the low brass studio. I pine for girls that are not attainable, and try to mask those failings with dressing sort of well. That was what was going through my mind. I had an encounter with Emily today in the music building, where she wished me a happy Valentine's Day and gave me a Hershey's Kiss. And she sent me a Star Wars valentine via campus mail. I mean, none of it meant anything, but I so wish it would have. I hate to keep dwelling on this, but since it's my blog, and I can say what I want, why is that a beautiful, funny, sweet girl who loves Star Wars, music, and swing dancing, comes into my life and simultaneously, gains a boyfriend that isn't me? Gah. I don't know, I just sort of feel like some sort of mutant, being 19 and never having a relationship. I feel like I'm going to end up like Steve Carell in The 40 Year Old Virgin, and grow up so mortified of the opposite sex that I never know love or anything. AND I DON'T WANT THAT. I'm an emotional guy, and I have so much pent up. It's just like, "What the hell is wrong with me? I'm frekking 19, and kissed a girl once. And it was a really lame one, in 11th grade. At prom. I mean, damn, I'm not that bad looking. I don't have that boring a personality. I'm socially awkward, but I'm not like (insert ridiculously socially awkward person's name here)." I mean, that's not a fair way to say it, but that's how you feel. That's just how you feel. So, I want to listen to more jazz. I want to listen to a lot of jazz, and sort of build up a library. I'm going to attempt to purchase a Duke Ellington at Newport record off eBay. Yes, you heard me right. A record. I want to listen to jazz on vinyl. I've been caught up in the Winter Olympics the past few days. If anyone doesn't know, I love the Olympics. I'm using the word "love" to describe how I feel about the Olympics. And I just felt so bad when Michelle Kwan had to drop out. I really wanted to see her win a gold medal. And I really want Bode Miller to step it up and stop getting disqualified. So yeah, the Olympics rock. If I want, I could go to Torino next year... Lately, I've listened to "Come Fly With Me" by Frank Sinatra about a hundred times. It is a quality song. Man, I got this sweet white dinner jacket. It's basically a white tux jacket. Watch an old James Bond movie and you'll get the idea. It's awesome. Hopefully I'll be wearing it for jazz orchestra. That's right, my time spent with the Luther College jazz band is now over. It was a good run, and a good experience, but it's time to move on. I wish all whom I left behind nothing but the best. Man, piano is kicking my butt right now. It's just one of those weeks, where I just feel musically overwhelmed, mainly because of ear training and piano. But, it is a challenge to overcome. I look forward to spending some time with Scott this weekend. Miss that guy.

Bliss

Tonight, I had the most blissful dance with Emily. Like, it was just beautiful, everything about it. The way she looked, the way she smiled, the way we danced, the way we were moving. Like, all I could think about afterwards was how beautiful of a dance it was. Gah, why does she have to be in a relationship?! GAH. I can really see myself knowing her in a more than just friends relationship. Gah, it was so beautiful. How can I dance with anyone else when I love dancing with her so dang much? When I feel so wonderful dancing with her? When my world is so beautiful when I'm dancing with her? I don't know. I'm heading over to have a couple gin and tonics with her, her quasi significant other and another kid. Dang it Eric, why do you have to come in and sweep her off her feet. No, he's a great guy, but still. Gah. But also, ahhhhh.

Eating Alone

Today I ate dinner alone. It really isn't a new occurence. I estimate I ate about 85% of my meals alone last year. But I don't know, it was sort of depressing tonight. I was eating a French dip sandwich, and the girl of my dreams was sitting about 6 feet away. With her boyfriend. And I was like, "Why is it that I'm eating alone, with my dream girl (at this point) right there, with another guy, and I have to leave in 5 minutes to go sit between a couple weird kids and play in the second jazz band?" And then I was like, "If I had put all the effort I did into learning Star Wars trivia into social skills, I maybe would not have this problem." So yeah, definitely had some self pity. Oh well, it happens. I was sort of offended last night. This aspiring bass trombone player, who wasted all my time with the spring opera fiasco was at our trombone social dinner. And another kid was comparing his theory class to a birthday party where people had no fun. And then this bass trombone kid was like, "Yeah, like a birthday party for a kid who goes to church," insinuating that church kids did not have fun birthday parties because they didn't drink or do drugs, etc, etc, etc. Now, this kid is a self proclaimed atheist, and I guess he's big into that. But you know, I'm not an atheist, and I was somewhat of an evangelical Christian in my high school years. I was really into it. And I usually don't get offended when people make statements reflecting their beliefs about faith or religion or whatnot. But I was honestly offended by it. I was sort of thinking of pulling out the cross that I always wear around my neck (under my shirt), and fiddling around with it, to try and make a point that indeed, I am Christian and do go to church (not as regularly as I should, but that's not the point right now). It was uncalled for and I was offended. And that's the end of that. I practiced trombone for like, an hour and a half tonight. It felt good. Women situation is as usual. I could go play cards with my roommate and see the blonde oboe girl, but I don't know, I hate cards, and I'm just in sort of a funk, where no girls at Luther really make me want to woo them. That sounds bad, but it's not like there aren't an abundance of wonderful women here. I'm just in a funk, I suppose. The girl I would like to woo has a boyfriend, and everybody else appealing either have boyfriends or do not go to school here. That's a shame. Oh well. I'm getting a little sick of my roommate. I mean, he's a great friend, but lately, I just spend too much time around him. Unfortunately for me, he's somewhat befriended a lot of my friends, so it's not as easy as it may seem to escape. I don't know, sometimes I just get the feeling he follows me around. And I mean, I can understand that, I do it too. I just wish he wasn't friends with everyone I knew, and hit on all the girls that I think are nice and attractive. He's a little more outgoing than I am. It's just a little frustrating. Enough of this, I need to go watch a movie trailer and play some Battlefront. By the way, my friend made it safely to Germany, so huzzah! Old news, but still newsworthy. Hope everyone is well.

Decision

I am spending next academic year in England. I’ve made up my mind. And I can honestly say, it was the most difficult decision I have ever made in my life. I’ve never had so many different factors pulling me in so many different directions. So many things call me to stay at Luther. Ben and Jacob’s final year, for one. Music, another huge one. And the fact that I finally have a core here at Luther, being Benjamin, Klein, Michael, Kate, etc, etc, etc. If any of you individuals read this, I will miss you so much, and I hope you will accept me back when I return. But I have studied this program intensely. I have talked with my boss about keeping my job at Walgreens, I have looked into music, I have weighed the effects it has on my history degree. I had doubts earlier this week, this is true. But this is just an experience I cannot pass up. I never in my life learned more in a single period of time than the Washingon D.C. trip in 7th grade. This is just an extended one. I feel confident in my determination to play trombone, and continue to improve. It is important to me, and nothing will stop me from becoming the player I hope to become. Ben and Jacob, you have always been there for me, and your friendship drew me to Luther. You are two of my most favorite and trusted people, and it breaks my heart not to be with you next year. But I know you will understand. Scott, you are my best friend, and I will miss you in a way I cannot describe (heterosexually, of course). You have also always been there for me, and I can only hope you will find your way to England and visit. I feel God has called me to this decision, and I hope and pray He will keep me safe in my travels. So, that’s all I have to say about that. I still have a long time in the normal swing of things however, so no one flip out yet. I spent most of the evening with two female individuals and Ryan. It was fun to be in their company. Although, one of the girls was the one I wanted to woo, the one in the photo. And I don’t know, lately, I just have not been getting hyped up over girls. Like, I find women attractive and everything, but I don’t feel as if I feel anything to warrant wooing them. I also think that such feelings are not instant though. I don’t know, I keep sort of turning back to two individuals back home. Gah, women. I wish I would be shown a female that would just make everything black and white. But I guess, love is not an instantaneous thing. It seems to be like wine, it grows finer as more time passes. Anyways, we danced, then watched Twister. Haven’t seen that in a while. But it was good. I saw a Renaissance band play tonight. You know, I would really like to get into early music like that. I just love how it sounds. It’s late, I’m going to bed. Hope everyone is well.