Awkward Conversations

I've been writing a lot on this blog lately. I'm trying to get off of it, as my British one is so much more insightful, less sappy, and in general, more interesting. But since only like, 1 person reads this anyways, I'll indulge them since they're never on Skype. Anyways, last Friday, the girl referred to in the last post and I went to Starbucks, our usual weekly ritual. Over mocha on my part and chai tea latte on hers, we went through the usual chit-chat and flat gossip. Eventually, I felt I had to break out the "issue." After about 5 minutes of awkwardly posturing and such, I finally hacked some of it out. We don't need to exactly go through what I exactly said. I told her I liked her, and didn't know what to do about it, seeing the interesting situation we find ourselves in this year. It came back out (I'm fairly certain), that she likes me as well, she's just nervous about dating because her last relationship not only ended poorly, but her ex-boyfriend turned out gay. Although I have little fear about being turned gay, I do (well, I don't, since I've never dated before) understand her apprehensions a little. We both agreed we didn't exactly know what to do, and we'd think about it for a week or however long. So, that's what happened. I'd be lying if I said I wanted her to decide she didn't want to date. I feel I want to date her. but you know, what can you do exactly? I don't know. Just have to be my normal self, I suppose. I don't want to get her anything or do anything extreme for Valentine's Day, but I did buy a blank card with a modern art painting I know she likes on the outside. I'll just write some little note inside, I think. That's what happened. End of story, I need to go do stuff. Later.

Caveats

I'm currently experiencing a feeling I don't think I've had since 11th grade. It's somewhat hard to explain, but it has to do with the pitter pattering of the heart caused by a certain female. It's just sort of a... general uneasiness at the fact that you're not with her constantly. But not just wanting to be with her, but her wanting to be with you. Right as I type this I can feel it, right at the heart, as tacky as that sounds. I mean, I just want to go downstairs to where she's sitting on her laptop and scream "I LIKE YOU A LOT! PLEASE AGREE TO DATE ME!" Maybe not those exact words, but you get it. The problem is (the caveats, as it were) are the obvious fact that I'm in a Real World type situation over here. Social structures complicate such simple wooing. Additionally, I fear I may be treading dangerously close to the dreaded status of "Friend." Not just friend, but "Friend." During a slightly inebriated jaunt along the Thames in early January, I'm fairly certain I made it clear to her that I had aspirations on her, if you can so call it that. So, I think she's aware of that, and I do my very best to distance myself from the "Friend" label without being a creepy guy who just wants to grab some ass. Gah, it's just been so long since I've felt this way, the agony has forced me to write about it. I like spending time with her SO MUCH. But she's one of those individuals who doesn't seem to differentiate between who she likes hanging out with the most. This is so frustrating, painful, yet strangely desirable, that I need to go to bed. Wish me luck.

Offended

I just made a comment about not being able to give blood anymore because of my residence in the UK for an extended period of time. One particular individual perked up and exclaimed "Oh good!" Upon clarification, she described how she always faints when giving blood and finds the sight of blood to make her queasy. But still, I am very offended by the response, so much so that I felt I needed to get it out. I feel this unused blog is the best place to do that, to avoid causing undue tension in the flat. I personally find the inability to give blood a very regrettable and saddening repercussion of this year abroad. I'm pissed. It's even more conflictive, as the statement was made by a girl who I may or may not have feelings towards. Strange statement, but the truth. I feel at times I like her a lot, but other times can't stand to be around her. It's really a strange situation. Mostly, I think it's frustrating to not be able to generally relate to her in a positive manner. Long story, don't want to get into it. But I'm offended.

Same Old, Same Old

In terms of the pursuit of the enigma girl, I think an old foe has been encountered. Namely that of the more interesting guy. It's becoming increasingly clear that the enigma is drawn to the cheese guy who so tormented me in the caf line last spring. Maybe drawn is too strong a word, but it's clear he is definitely more interesting, and she spends a lot of time with him talking. Whilst all the while, I just sort of sit around, obtuse, awkward, odd, unable to make any sort of coherent statement, etc, etc, etc. I don't know, I don't think I'm that disinteresting. Just not very open with the things I feel am interesting about me. Very much an introvert, who needs to be approached. It's just a tired game, this business of conflicted emotions, lost girls, feeling powerless, etc, etc, etc. There's another girl in the flat who I think is pretty nice and such, but she's so hard to talk to. Very hard to get through to. I feel bad, because a lot of people here don't like her, and though I can sort of understand why, she's definitely getting pushed towards the fringes. Just a little frustrated right now. Plus, the fact that I'm sick, and randomly burst into fits of coughing adds to my current self image as being small and pathetic, as well as completely unattractive. In addition, I'm a little homesick. Not to the extent that I'm going to actually consider leaving, but I do want to go home. I miss America, even with all the stuff that sucks. People at home, we bitch all the time about the politics, and the healthcare system, and Iraq, and you can go on and on and on. But even the most socialist of you, I think after you've spent nearly 3 months in a foreign land, even one so similar, and you'll start to realize what's so good. I know I do. It's just one of those nights fraught with self pity I think, which is okay. Everyone has nights like this. The enigma situation is disheartening though, I must admit. When is someone going to come along that finds me as interesting and cool as the cheese guy? Who knows.

Bath-ings

I was in Bath this weekend. The overarching highlight of the trip was the opportunity to mose closely get to know some members of the flat. In particular Brandon, Emily, and Mary. I think everyone who reads this (which apparently only consists of Klein. Glad you still find it interesting) knows who out of the two named females the enigma girl is. But since I already have this going, only referring to the individual as the enigma or whatever, I'll run with it. We had the opportunity to spend Sunday night together, as a bulk of the group decided to hit up a Mozart opera. I wasn't feeling it, she wasn't feeling it, so we ditched and walked around together. I've sort of been examining the experience over and over in my head. We had a lot of great talks, but we really started to click I feel near the end of our time. We ended up going to an Italian restaurant to have a bite to eat, and I guess the atmosphere got us going. I don't know, we had been talking about what it was that we were passionate about. And I got on this kick about music, and what it means to really make music, and yada, yada, yada. And she did find it interesting. Not because she necessarily knew what I was talking about, but because she liked seeing me exhibiting passion about something. I had the same feelings about her as she talked about some of the things she most enjoyed. It was just really cool. I opened up to her (sort of surprisingly to myself) about a couple things that I don't think I've ever discussed with a girl. Just matters of the opposite gender, hopes, fears, etc, etc, etc. Those 3.5 hours were among the best I've hand in England thus far, I guess. And we definitely bonded, no question about that. Like I have mentioned earlier, I think any sort of relationship (this is so far off of anything, holy crap) is just not so feasible in this weird sort of group ecosystem we all find ourselves in. And we talked about that as well. I don't know. I can only hope to make a good friend, you know? I want to make a good friend. And if she wants to go see a Twins game over the summer (or a few), or wants to go out and eat, or cook, or go to Natalie's wedding, I would not be opposed at all. It's a little intimidating, having a situation with a female be looking positive, even if it's not necessarily going anywhere. But it's a good feeling, I'll tell you that much. Beautiful girls who get along with you are always a good idea, no matter where you come from.

Razzle Dazzle

Development: I'm going to go see Chicago with the enigma girl on Dec. 7th. Meaning, only her and I are going to see the show, I bought the tickets today. We can both engage in the college ritual of seeing shows in really shitty student priced seating. 2nd tier, row R baby. Obviously, it's not really a date or anything, but I still felt as if it was a significant development, in that she's cool with only going with me, and not a million other people or whatever. But I'm really looking forward to it. I don't want it to necessarily be a date or whatever either, simply because of the situation we all find ourselves in. Meaning the whole communal living thing. I think it would throw off stuff if anyone started dating another person in the flat. But this will be a good thing to do, as friends, and maybe lead to a greater understanding, deeper friendship, and positive experience for all. Plus, it's freaking Chicago. Who doesn't like Chicago? It is a shame that Richard Gere will not be playing Billy Flynn, but I think I'll get over it.

Finally

People who still read this most likely have realized that most of my attentions are on my British blog now. But a situation has arisen that is not appropriate for that blog. I just wanted to say, that relations with the mysterious girl are improving, and she left a very nice comment on my British blog inviting me to spend New Year's Eve with her in Paris if I wanted. Unfortunately, that probably won't work, but we'll see. It's just nice to have something looking remotely up in the world of women. So, just thought I'd throw that out there. Keep checking up on both to keep up with my life. It's intense.